Rudy's dad yanked his hard drive, and Rudy is a Linux n00b, so we've officially nuked it all to rebuild properly from the ground up.
After all, the whole system shouldn't have fallen apart from an external hard drive yank.
Clearly, it was destined to fail from the start, and Rudabegga just needs to git gud!
Services will return once the new, less-cursed stack is online.